There are so many quotes about change I could throw up here to make my point but there are far too many to chose from. Change happens even when we aren’t looking, when we are looking and when we least expect it. It’s the ‘least expecting’ it one that has caught me off guard lately and I can’t find a quote for that.
I see Tabitha everyday and she changes. Earlier she called me mean because I asked her to pick up the pens she had thrown on the floor in a sickness fueled tantrum. For me, one of the biggest changes is how she learns new words and then learns to associate these words with feelings. These changes in her scare me. I have no control. I can’t pause time, I can’t rewind to last week, last month or the day she was born and start again. As a mother (a word that still truly scares me), I have to accept these changes, adapt to them and learn.
In the last year, I have changed. I have a better understanding of who I am, or at least who I was. For a large portion of my 20’s, actually most of it, I was in a very serious relationship (the move country, let’s get a dog or two and have a baby kind of serious). I spent a lot of that time trying to be someone I wasn’t. All because I thought someone else wanted me to be something else, something that wasn’t me. It ended. Maybe because I tried to be the old 20 year old me interspersed with this new task of becoming a mum, and maybe our relationship couldn’t quite handle that. I genuinely don’t know. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just a thing.
Again, I can’t go back, I can’t change the past. But if I didn’t have my past I wouldn’t have Tabitha. I wouldn’t be teaching this little person about life, how to talk, sing, read, use an iPhone, laugh, draw, love, put on her shoes…
In the past year I have pushed myself. I have pushed passed an underlying shyness that people are always surprised by. I have met strangers who have become my friends, reconnected with old friends who are dispersed across the globe and I have done things I never thought I would have the courage to do. Then suddenly I am presented with several opportunities that I wasn’t expecting. Opportunities I have hesitated over, tried to justify why I shouldn’t do them, trying to understand why me, why did I get these opportunities?
Today, I realise, it’s all part of changing and I need to accept it, embrace it and believe in it for this is what is making me who I am.